This week, Evalina Beauty’s CEO and Founder, Samantha Legge, had the pleasure of sitting down with Dr. Lori Brotto, a renowned expert in women’s sexual health, to dive deep into a conversation about sex and desire.
This conversation is part of our exciting new podcast series, Life Is Beauty Full, where we aim to have meaningful discussions to help elevate and enhance your life. From beauty and wellness to personal growth and empowerment, tune in for inspiration on topics that matter to you.
The Science of Desire: Understanding and Cultivating a Healthy Sex Life
Dr. Lori Brotto is a leading expert in women's sexual health and a Professor in the UBC Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology. She holds a Canada Research Chair and serves as the Executive Director of the Women's Health Research Institute, where she advances research and supports nearly 700 members across British Columbia. Dr. Brotto is a champion of equity in sexual health, promoting digital health solutions to make treatments more accessible. She frequently appears in media, including Netflix’s The Principles of Pleasure and CBC Gem’s The Big Sex Talk, and has authored Better Sex Through Mindfulness and The Better Sex Through Mindfulness Workbook. As a psychologist and researcher, she is dedicated to empowering individuals through science-backed insights on sexual well-being.
Understanding Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive
Sexuality is a crucial part of our well-being, yet it’s often misunderstood and not talked about enough. Many people feel pressure to experience desire in a specific way—often portrayed in media as an urgent, spontaneous force. But as Dr. Brotto explains, that’s not always how desire works, especially in long-term relationships.
“Spontaneous desire is what we often see in new relationships,” Dr. Brotto shares. “But in long-term relationships, desire doesn’t necessarily come out of nowhere. Instead, many people experience what we call responsive desire, where motivation for sex emerges from engaging in intimate experiences rather than appearing spontaneously.”
Responsive desire is much more common than people realize, and understanding this distinction helps normalize changes in libido over time. Rather than waiting to feel that spontaneous spark, it can be helpful to create moments of connection, relaxation, and intimacy that allow desire to develop naturally.
Barriers to Sexual Desire
As life gets busier, with responsibilities like work, parenting, and household tasks piling up, sexual desire often takes a backseat. Many women also struggle with mental distractions that interfere with arousal.
“Even when I’m engaged in a sexual encounter, I’m thinking about my to-do list,” Dr. Brotto shares from her clients’ experiences. “Did I turn off the oven? Did I sign that permission slip? These distractions directly interfere with the brain’s ability to signal arousal and keep us present in the moment.”
Worrying about work deadlines, unfinished chores, or body image issues can disrupt the brain-body connection required for sexual pleasure. Additionally, the inner dialogue many women have about their bodies—whether they have gained weight, if they smell okay, or if they are "performing" adequately—can create anxiety that severely impacts their ability to enjoy intimacy shares Dr. Brotto.
These distractions can make it even harder to enjoy intimacy, but recognizing these common roadblocks is the first step toward overcoming them.
Mindfulness as a Pathway to Sexual Well-Being
A powerful tool for overcoming these barriers is mindfulness—the practice of focusing on the present moment without judgment. Dr. Brotto has been studying the impact of mindfulness on sexual health for over two decades, and the results are profound.
“Mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, without judgment,” she explains. “When people practice mindfulness, they’re able to stay present, tune into their body’s sensations, and let go of distractions. And we’ve seen in research that it improves many facets of sexual response, including desire, arousal, and orgasm.”
By incorporating mindfulness into daily life—whether through meditation, deep breathing, or simply paying attention to physical sensations—individuals can create a stronger mind-body connection that enhances their sexual experiences.
Navigating Major Life Changes
Throughout life, women go through significant hormonal and physical transitions that affect sexuality, such as pregnancy, postpartum recovery, and menopause. Many women feel pressure to return to their “normal” sex life quickly after these changes, but Dr. Brotto encourages a more compassionate approach.
“Desire is not like a light switch,” she reminds us. “It doesn’t just turn on and off. It emerges based on our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Giving yourself grace during life transitions is essential.”
For postpartum women, exhaustion, hormonal shifts, and body changes can make sex feel overwhelming. Similarly, during menopause, decreased estrogen can lead to vaginal dryness and discomfort. Dr. Brotto emphasizes that instead of focusing on frequency, couples should prioritize quality, connection, and pleasure in ways that feel good for both partners.
Why Prioritize Sex?
With so much going on in daily life, some may wonder if sex should even be a priority. But research shows that a satisfying sex life is linked to better mental and physical health, reduced stress, and stronger relationships.
“There’s an entire book called Why Women Have Sex? that found 237 distinct reasons why people engage in sex,” Dr. Brotto notes. “It can be anything from helping with sleep, to celebrating an anniversary, to simply wanting to feel close to your partner. Tapping into your own personal reasons for intimacy can help make it a more fulfilling part of your life.”
The World Health Organization even recognizes sexual health as a fundamental part of overall well-being. Whether through physical pleasure, emotional connection, or stress relief, making time for intimacy can have lasting benefits.
Breaking the Stigma: Women and Sexuality
For too long, women’s sexuality has been surrounded by stigma and unrealistic expectations. Cultural messages have often labeled women as either too sexual or not sexual enough, making it difficult to navigate desire without guilt or shame.
“We were never really taught how to communicate about sex,” Dr. Brotto explains. “Many women endure painful or unsatisfying sex without speaking up because they assume it’s ‘normal.’ But sexual pleasure is a right, not a luxury.”
Encouraging open conversations about intimacy, both with partners and in broader societal discussions, is key to breaking down these outdated taboos. Education—starting from a young age—can also help the next generation develop a healthier relationship with their bodies and sexuality.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Sexuality with Confidence
Sexuality is a journey that evolves over time, and there’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to desire. By shifting our perspective and prioritizing what feels good, we can all create a more joyful and satisfying relationship with our sexuality.
Dr. Brotto’s insights remind us that by understanding how desire works, practicing mindfulness, and letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can cultivate a more fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at any stage of life.
“Sex can absolutely get better with age,” she says. “One of the most powerful tools for enhancing sexual pleasure is something we all have access to—the ability to be fully present, without judgment, and embrace intimacy with kindness and curiosity.”
By understanding that desire can be responsive rather than spontaneous, incorporating mindfulness into daily life, and challenging societal taboos, you can cultivate a fulfilling and healthy sex life—one that brings joy, pleasure, and deeper intimacy at every stage of life.
Disclaimer
This article is for informational purposes only and does not contain medical advice. People should seek out medical advice specific to them. As always, please contact your physician or qualified healthcare provider with any questions regarding your health.